I like reminiscing, looking back on my life, and thinking of the people I knew as a boy and from my younger days in adolescence and manhood. Sadly, some of them have departed. Still, I think about those still alive and hope they are happy. I served as a reservist in the Canadian Army from 1978 to 1982, when I was in high school and university. I joined the 30th Field Artillery Regiment based in Ottawa. I trained in a group of private recruits under the supervision of a Bombardier who was a Carleton student. We had our differences and misunderstandings during my basic training. I spent almost every night and weekend on the defaulter’s parade. I served three years in the 30th Field and one year as an attached posting to the Princess of Wales Own Regiment (an infantry regiment) in Kingston, where I attended university. I transferred to the PWOR in 1982 and was promptly mustered out when the unit was downsized. I had a brief, undistinguished stint of military service in the Canadian Army, but I am proud that I served my Queen and country.

I had forgotten mainly about my military service. Still, one day, several years ago, I looked up the Lieutenant colonel, one of my commanding officers in the 30th Field Regiment, online. I passed by him a few times over the years following my release from the Army. Sadly, I found that he had passed away. I browsed the memorial site set up for him and saw that the Bombardier who trained me as a recruit left a thoughtful and moving comment. I looked him up online and found that he was alive and well. He had become an assistant deputy minister in the federal public service. I reached out to him in an email, asking if he remembered me and how touched I was by his comment left in memory of our former commanding officer. I also hoped that life had been good for him and his family. He promptly responded that he remembered me, thanked me for the message, and hoped that things were good for me at Carleton (I was a Carleton employee then).

Reaching out to him felt good, at least momentarily. However, returning memories of my latter high school days and first years at university, which coincided with my military service, reminded me of the skeletons in my closet. I struggled in my adolescence and early manhood with the realization that I was gay. I was attracted to two of the boys in the artillery regiment. I befriended one of them and spent much time alone with him at his mother’s house. I was horrified because I wanted so much to hold and kiss him. I did not understand why I felt that way and wanted the feelings to disappear. My unease was compounded by the ribbing I got from the other boys who suspected that I was a homosexual. I was called the “regimental fag” among other things, and one day I entered a classroom and saw a caricature of me drawn on the blackboard as a pink bunny with anti-gay expressions written beside it. To their credit, one of them told me privately that they did that because they liked me; it was not meant to be taken seriously.

The stress of accepting my homosexuality and my ambition–I wanted to rise through the ranks and fit into the military culture–led to my abuse of alcohol. Boozing did nothing good for my mental health, and the trouble I got into while drunk derailed my ambition. In December 1981, I was at a low point. My hopes of advancement in the Army tanked. I was struggling with my studies in university–I was drunk most of the time–and I was committed to five days of observation in the psychiatric ward at Kingston General Hospital when, after a bout of heavy drinking, I cut myself with a shard from a broken beer bottle. There were rumours among the young men in the university residence where I lived about my homosexuality. Someone scrawled, “fairy,” “faggot,” “pansy,” and “queer,” on my door. My drinking alienated those around me; they had no time for my drunken drama queen behaviour. It was the worst of times.

Following my release from the Army in 1982, I gave up drinking or at least made an earnest effort to stay off the sauce. I went to the movies to keep out of the taverns, averaging three movies a week—I sat through many lousy films doing so. I struggled with my homosexuality and underwent psychological counselling offered by the university to address my mental health. I was on the brink of flunking out and realized I had to take responsibility. In my remaining years at university, I fell off the wagon occasionally and gradually came to terms with my homosexuality. I am lucky that the faculty were more than generous as I turned things around academically.

Interestingly, I was supported by the Roman Catholic community on campus in accepting my homosexuality. Also, a Russian Orthodox priest on the faculty in the Theological College became my friend and confessor. He was sympathetic. I was shocked when he told me he guessed that I was gay. He quickly added that it was because I have gentleness that precedes me. I gather that is why so many people assumed that I was gay. You never know where you may find acceptance and support as a gay man. By the time I graduated, I was in a relationship with another man, a fellow student. Not only did I graduate, but I was also admitted to graduate school a few years later. I enrolled for a Master’s degree in library and information science and became a librarian. I kept in touch with my friend and Father Confessor until his death. I looked up the psychologist who treated me when I turned forty. I wanted to tell him that his efforts were not in vain.

It struck me that reminiscing about my military service, which I thought would be a pleasant reverie, dredged up painful memories. Sometimes, it is better to let go of the past. Still, my choices in my adolescence and early manhood (somehow, I survived) shaped the man I am today. I am retired from Carleton and happily married to my husband Mika–we will celebrate twenty-six years together this month. We own our house outright and live comfortably. I am working as a professional actor in retirement–what I always wanted. A talent agency represents me. I audition for film and stage roles and continue training as an actor. I look forward to growing old with Mika at my side and hope not to have any regrets when my time comes.

Posted by Geoffrey