Humans are a sexually dimorphic species. They come in two sexes: male and female, and I appreciate and celebrate the difference. I like men. What is not to enjoy about men? That said, having seen journal articles and YouTube videos giving detailed instructions on how gay men can interact with a transman’s pussy (to use the vernacular), I am puzzled at the absurdity of the claims.

I am a gay man. I am romantically and sexually attracted to men. Despite that, in my younger days, I had sex with women (two in all). At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do. I wanted desperately to fit in with the heterosexual majority. Growing up, I ignored my homosexuality, hoping it would go away. It did not. My feelings for men only grew as time passed. Yes, I had sex with a woman. I saw what the labia and vulva look like when a woman is sexually aroused. The most I could do was lay my hand on it during sex. The prospect of putting my face in it and licking was repulsive. It is not that I dislike women; I am not romantically or sexually attracted to them, and sex with them is against my nature. Sure, I went all the way with them. It was not an unpleasant experience, but I was never entirely comfortable.

It was not until I had my first sex with a man, a fellow student in university, that I enjoyed sexual pleasure. It was not without trepidation that I consented. It is not like homosexual sex was a part of the sex education curriculum in school as I grew up. I leafed through the pages of a book called The Joy of Gay Sex once, so I had a rough idea of what to expect. As to the tired old question, “Are you a bottom or a top,” that is none of your business. In this essay, I discuss my experience with sex with men and women and the difference. My student friend had gay sex before, so he was comfortable and patient with me. I found as we got underway that I enjoyed sharing intimacy with him. I got up close and personal with him in a way I could not with a woman. It felt natural to me. We lay together, satisfied and fell asleep in each other’s arms. Finally, I accepted my homosexuality.

Ours was a fleeting romance. I dated and had relationships with other men before I met Mika. No one said dating and finding a long-term companion was easy. Mika and I will celebrate twenty-five years together later this month. Mika and I are fortunate that we met and became soulmates. We have a good life together. We hope we are a living example for young gay men who yearn for a happy, long-term relationship. It was hard enough growing up gay for us when male homosexuality was reviled, and the pressure to conform, to take a wife and have a family was everywhere. Now young gay men are pressured into consenting to sex with transmen, which is beyond the pale. The claim that some men have a pussy is asinine. In all the years I dated and shared intimacy with men, not once did I meet one who had a pussy.

No, my romantic and sexual attraction to men is neither a fetish nor a fixation on male genitalia. His sex organs do not define my attraction to a man, but the fact remains that men do not have pussies. If a woman wants to self-identify as a man, gay or straight, that is her business. I am not obliged to follow her belief, and neither I nor any gay man have to consent to sex with her. It is that simple. Yes, I am no longer in the dating pool but were I approached by a transman for a date or sex, I would politely say, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” I know the difference between men and women and how one engages in sex with both (albeit my experience of sex with women is limited). I can safely conclude that sex as a gay man with a woman can be pleasing, especially when there is chemistry, but it is not and never can be the same as sex with a man.

Posted by Geoffrey